i am very good, as it seems, at convincing myself that i know what i want.

it only takes a little bit of focus, a slight distaste for my current life, my perpetual disappointment, and a faint image of myself engaged in whatever current delusion i'm feeding on. and there i am, convinced that this is my life's true calling. i am ready to abandon everything in pursuit of this murky mixture of desires, one of many potential combinations of things i want and things i could accomplish, like i'm trying to decode a cipher.

but it does feel like it- decoding a cipher. everytime i think i have a grip on my life, one little piece won't fit and all of a sudden i have to start over again and reevaluate the basics. then a couple days later, i realize that i already had what i wanted, but in my delusion i have already irreversibly fucked up, and so i dejectedly return to it.

what the fuck do i want!!!!! this self-sabotaging impulsivity is proving to be very destructive in my life, surprisingly. how do You know what you want, that You won't want something completely different in the future, that what You're doing now is important and relevant and not all big mistake.

i just feel trapped inside myself, i need to go swimming. for now i guess i will stick to writing shitty metaphors and run on sentences.