i have spent all of today meaning to do something, but not actually doing it. it's homework, nothing interesting, i have a midterm tomorrow. i feel really stuck these days. i want to move to a house in a remote part of the already relatively remote yukon and live there alone for the rest of my life........................... scared about what my friends think of me and what i think of my friends, i feel we are further apart than ever, and at a tipping point from which we cannot return. their lives drift away from me and i know them from a distance. and the worst part i think is that i am not broken up about it. at a certain point it's clear that a friendship is beginning to dissolve, but i never thought i would feel that way about all my friendships all at once. just a lot of indifference and apathy. god all my posts are so depressing to read. it's just me, i think i'm just like this at my core.

i saw m the other day. we sat in awkward silence a lot. i found out some other things. she still feels alive. how do you mourn a bad person? over vodka we talked about all the horrible things she said and did and how m still loves her and how things like this will stay with you the rest of your life. she said she doesn't think she'll ever get past it. she's right, you don't ever get past bad things. bad things don't disappear, they cannot disappear, they will not disappear. i told her time makes these things duller over time, the jagged edges get sanded down with the months and the years. sometimes you find a corner still sharp and it cuts you deep, just like the first time, but with practice, we get more careful with how we handle such things. and so the cuts start to get shallower and sting less, but the little fragments will forever be embedded in you.