just wanted to preface this with a tw for mentions of suicide

today a very close friend of mine, m, told me that her recent ex had killed herself. i've never experienced losing someone close to me. not that i was close with her. we'd never even had a direct conversation with each other. i think she saw me in person once when m brought her to my workplace, i was distracted or focused or whatever and didn't even see them.

i live in the suburbs, in a city that is the only urban center around for dozens of kilometers. she lived in a small town neighbouring mine, where busses don't even run on the weekends. her house is about a 10 minute drive from mine. i know this because after they broke up, i let m stay over at mine. she came by uber, lyft said it was out of their 'service area'.

i probably texted her through the entire fucking thing. she had called me earlier that day, upset at the ex's house where she spent the weekends, about being mistreated and i told her to pull through and finally, formally break up. this was only a couple weeks ago. i know m still cared about her a lot.

i don't have the right to be so torn up over this, but i am. i feel sick. i feel disgusting for having only the worst to say about her. i feel evil for pushing so hard for them to break up, the first time, and being so disappointed when m forgave her and got back together. i know she had been struggling a lot, but with m she seemed to at least make an effort to be better.

i thought i did the right thing. i said what i would've told anyone else in a similar situation. but maybe i shouldn't have. all of m's other friends echoed my sentiments, but i was the one who was there for all of it in real time. i don't think they would've broken up if i had just shut the fuck up. m even felt guilty leaving her house that day. she was so upset to see m go, i saw the texts. through my fucking "good intentions" i was probably the catalyst.

i don't know how, i don't want to. i think if i did, i would have nightmares about it for the rest of my life.

so i guess what is the fucking point of this. i think i just need the space to be selfish, in quiet. i hope she rests in peace.