i turned 20 on june 2 :)

i have always loved my birthday, i will always love my birthdays! it is a day for me the day is mine and mine only. the birthday magic has faded years ago, i always feel regular but i will always treasure june 2 deeply. the numbers 6 and 2 hold a special place in my heart. my transit card automatically changed to adult fare from youth fare, i've had it since i was 14.

i have problems prioritizing important things, cleaned my wax warmer instead of showering and getting ready for class. i need to go do that now. more on my birthday in a second. [3:51pm]

[4:58pm] got ready in time, on the train now. it was a beautiful birthday, i felt so loved. i remember talking about turning 20 with my siblings, years ago, because my sister will be 18 and my brother will be 14. it felt mystical and out of reach and now that i am here i still feel like that same girl.

i realized some things lately. a major reason, perhaps the reason that i haven't found therapy particularly helpful is that i don't know how to be honest with myself. i think i push hard to convey a certain image of myself, one that is ultimately inauthentic. i think it's an idea of myself that i'd like to be, one that is in conflict with all the things that i really think and feel. it's time for me to be honest with myself.

not that i've been consciously and willingly lying during sessions. i thought i was being genuine. i see now that it is a reflection of deep-rooted compartmentalization of my feelings, the part of me that's closer to the surface feels things that are only rational and right, even the bad things are easily fixable. but my true thoughts, and of course everyone else's as well, are infinitely more nuanced. i've always known that there are things in my life that i am too scared to even say out loud alone, but i always thought i had successfully walled it off from the rest of my life. i see how this has affected my cognition and behaviour on a larger level.

i have spent a lifetime living for a specific cause that i thought was selfless, but i see now that that is selfish. i'm tired of living for an outdated goal that serves absolutely no one. i thought i had to suffer in silence to save myself and others. i realize now that growing up thinking like that has affected me much more than i can imagine.

a healthier life has never felt so close, i had it in the palm of my hands this weekend. i don't think suffering is beautiful anymore, i want better for myself and i will work hard to get it.

i think i am going to book an appointment with Christine. and i am going to tell her the truth.