okay. trying something new where i stop thinking everything is my fault and instead make everyone else responsible for my thoughts and actions! if i think you hate me and want me to die a miserable painful death because you didn't text me for a week that's on You. i expect an apology. likely this will solve all my problems! :)

i got a new toothbrush also. it was $100, i'm making stupid decisions (financially) and questionable decisions (healthwise). spent maybe $300 in the last 2 days. useless shit completely, lash glue and a set of lashes (KISS muses noblesse). tried to put them on last night and looked stupid. brushes for nail art, i'll probably forget about it. 6 pack of mini diet coke cans, only drank one. tongue scrapers, related to my sudden dental hygiene paranoia. the rest of the money sunk in food, and not anything good at that. i think i've eaten 5 separate fast food meals since friday.

40mg v today. feel sooooo normal that i think i've built a tolerance. going to try to clean my depression room/pit/cave/dungeon/prison today. the floors are sticky and i can't see the surface of my desk anymore. i did change my sheets yesterday, only after crying for 4 hours straight because he forgot i was supposed to come over in the morning and didn't offer to send me a lyft. his fault (as per my new thinking). also had to leave class not even 15 minutes in to go throw up because i was nauseous, something about the tannins in tea. on an empty stomach i had chugged a venti peach green tea before i entered the room, too scared of the sound of ice sloshing around in a cup.

i am perpetually scared that i will be passionless forever, devoid of any sort of intensity. bringing a general air of collapse with me wherever i go, eating buildings and swallowing lamp posts whole. an inelegant and plain lana del rey from the doin' time music video, stepping on everything and especially on my own toes. i do remember days where things could hold my attention, when i would do things driven by interest and volition instead of duty and responsibility. not even drinking or smoking brings me solace anymore.

would you tell me if you could hear all my thoughts? i'm loud about thinking them anyway.